Saturday 4 October 2014

Getting up again...

This post has been such a long time coming. I have written it in my head so many times and it has changed depending on where I am in life.

The truth is, I have been all over the place and so much has happened in the last 9 months. I am probably a lot heavier than I was then (I haven't even gone back to check it out), I am in a much better headspace with my anxiety, but overall still unhappy with my weight.

The thing is, I learned a long time ago to love myself, and I do. I love who I am and I am ok with who I am. I no longer feel out of place when I am with others because my interests are different or that my sense of humour isn't like everyone else's. I have made peace with my past and I have been able to move on from it.

But my body makes me feel so sad. I hate looking in the mirror when I am naked. I know this may be a common thing, but I didn't have this issue before. I have new stretchmarks on my stomach, hips, thighs, back, boobs and even in places I never thought you could get them. Overall, I have no issues with stretchmarks, but I haven't carried a child, I just got too fat. I thought I had finished my stretchmark days when I stopped being a teenager.

I have no one to blame but myself. I am the one who puts the food in my mouth, my eating habits are my own. The problem is that so much has changed. I have lost my 'healthy eating' tastebuds, it all tastes so bland again. I am back eating all of the sugary foods and chocolate and crap. My problem is that I am a comfort eater. And it can be a vicious circle. I think about trying to be healthier, look at healthier options, I look at how much weight I have to lose and then it all seems like too much, I feel sad and then I eat crap.

Recently I have been to the doctors about getting ready for when B and I want to try for a baby. Overall everything has come back great as far as blood tests and whatnot... but the biggest issue is my weight. I cannot deliver where I want to as my BMI is getting too high and there are a lot more health risks with being overweight and being pregnant. But the other side of this is that I don't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I don't want to be feeding a child crap.

Logically, you would think that this would give me the kick up the bum that I need. But it just makes it all seem so out of reach.

I know I did this before, but over 6 weeks I didn't manage to lose a thing while eating better and exercising more. I was really trying and my body had let me down. It seems that even when I do try to get my mindset right, it still doesn't happen.

So, here I am today, around 120kg, unhappy, poor self esteem when it comes to weight management and pretty much no desire to do anything about it as it seems so hard. I am constantly finding photos of myself when I was thinner and I can remember the confidence I had in my slimmer, fitter and healthier body, and also how proud of myself I felt. I really miss that, and now as we are heading into summer (and B and I are down the coast for the long weekend) I am reminded of that and I miss it.

BUT, I have made the decision to start blogging again, only to get my thoughts out of my head. I won't be advertising my posts or drawing any attention to my weight loss goals as I really just can't deal with the attention, and I just (at the moment at least) don't want to hear people's opinions on what I am doing and the choices I am making.

I have decided to go back to Curves Complete as I never really gave it a real go. After my first week of doing so well, someone said something to me that kind of knocked me on my arse and I just couldn't seem to get my shit together after that.

I need to find a way to find a balance in our family life that will make it all possible while following the plan. We don't eat very healthily at home when it comes to meals and it is something we need to remedy.

I guess it's time to change those tastebuds.

Monday 17 February 2014

First Bellydancing Class

I've not long gotten back from my first bellydancing class in 5 years! I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it... and how confused my feet seem to get! haha! There were a couple of tracks where I recognised the music and I had parts of the choreography running through my head, and it made me smile.

As much fun as it was, it made me realise a couple things; I can't look at myself in the mirror. I think I was the biggest girl in the room, and I just couldn't look at myself... I was so embarrassed. I can't believe I actually look like that. We don't have any full length mirrors at home, so it's been a while since I have really looked at myself. I also came to realise how awkward I am around people now... I feel so self conscious and I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me. I spent most of the class avoiding looking at myself and wringing/holding my hands - something I do when I am nervous or anxious.

The thing that I think is quite odd about me, is that these kinds of things don't usually spur me on or encourage me to lose the weight.  It makes me feel like things are hopeless and that I shouldn't even bother trying. I am really grateful that I have realised this tonight as I have been able to turn it around and I can look at it as a way to make things better as not only am I exercising and doing something that makes me happy, but I am also getting out of my comfort zone and being around other people.

I also realised on the way home that I really think that bellydancing will help with getting my self confidence back. I also came across this on facebook tonight, and I wanted to share (plus I love Drew).


Week 6 Weigh In

So I've just had my week 6 weigh in, although let's be honest, I haven't been sticking to it for 6 weeks.

However, after having the heart to heart with the owner at the gym and doing the hypnosis at night, it looks like something must have clicked because I had a 1.8kg loss this week!! Crazy!!! So I am now sitting at 110kg exactly.


I honestly didn't think that I would have a loss, let alone such a large one!!!


Friday was the worst day last week for eating as I'd had a terrible afternoon which ended in comfort eating.  This along with it being Valentines day meant that it wasn't so great eating wise.

I realised today that I still haven't taken a 'before' photo... I really need to do that!!

Another thing I haven't mentioned yet, and that is that I have signed up to do belly dancing again! My first class is tonight.  I am a little nervous about it all, but it will be good to do it again, I've missed it!

Thursday 13 February 2014

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting.  Your help and support has meant a lot to me and has helped me so much.

While my eating habits still haven't been so great, they have been better.  There has still been chocolate and comfort eating, but I have felt a shift in my mindset and I am trying not to beat myself up so much.

Myf suggested making some smaller goals.  So this week I have been focusing on cooking dinner each night, as we have gotten a bit slack with this and there has been a lot of take out.  So far, so good.  We have planned to eat out tomorrow night for Valentines Day, but at least it is planned. I need to come up with some weekly goals I think, something to aim for and concentrate on.

I have also started getting my snacks ready, so I have a couple of days worth ready to go into my bag each day.  Now I just need to work on making sure I eat these and not buy chocolate.

Lunches have been better.  Yesterday I made myself a sandwich when I made the school lunches, and the day before I had Zambreros.  I need to make my lunch for today, and will do that shortly as well as put dinner into the slow cooker.  If anyone has any slow cooker recipes they would reccommend I'd love to hear about them.

Chez has also told me about a hypnosis app which has a lot of different topics, including weightloss, so I have been listening to this the last couple of nights while in bed. I'm not sure if it's working yet, but my mindset is better, so it may be due to that.


I still need to do up my meal plan for the week, but I started watching some videos ont he Curves Complete site this morning, and there are a couple there that are quite good.  I came across this quote which I thought was interesting:

"A journey changes your location
A process changes you"

Basically, it's saying that by planning and putting a process into place you can change, but a journey only changes your location and is short term.

Monday 10 February 2014

So it's been a couple of weeks...

... and I have fallen off the wagon.

Truth be told, I fell off the wagon in Week 2, but was trying to kid myself that I was doing ok.

The thing is, a friend of mine made a comment to me around this time that I don't believe was intentionally negative, but it got stuck in my head all the same.  Round and round it went, and I basically gave up.

I have been beating myself up mentally for the last couple of weeks, and there has been a block of chocolate... one in 5 weeks. While that is good, it doesn't mean I haven't been eating other chocolate... and that is not so good... in fact, I have eaten quite a lot of chocolate in the last couple of weeks.

I have just been eating what I want, and not following the Curves Complete plan at all. I kept coming up with excuses about it all, but the truth is, I lost faith in myself.

I am still trying to find it.

It is so hard to try and get it all right, I do need a plan, I do need routine and right now I have neither.  I have been trying to get together an idea of what I want to do for my meal plan, and so far it's really half-arsed. I need to commit to it and get it sorted... but I have no motivation.

I had my weigh in this morning at Curves and spent half an hour talking to my coach (today it was the owner), and she got my head straight. But now that I am home, my head is twisted again.  I think my job for this afternoon/tonight is to get my meals planned and watch the videos on the website. Oh and just so you all know, my weight went up... now the heaviest I have been.... 111.2kg! Not cool.

I don't remember how to be patient with all of this... I know I said initally that I don't want to look back, but I do... I miss who I used to be. I miss enjoying healthy eating and I miss enjoying exercise. Right now they both seem so boring and too hard.

Monday 20 January 2014

Week 2 Weigh In

As I mentioned in my post this morning, Week 2 didn't go so well. But I put my big girl knickers on and went to Curves this morning for my weekly weigh in and workout.

It was really good to sit down with my coach and talk through last week, the highs and the lows.  She was able to give me some suggestions on things to do.

So, as predicted, I did gain... almost everything I lost. So I am currently sitting at 109.5kg, but looking at the positive side, it's still 200g less than my original weight. and I spose a loss is a loss and heading in the right direction.

After my workout I headed to the other side of Canberra for my doctors visit. She is really happy with my progress since I was diagnosed with anxiety and we have decided that I will go back in a couple of months to see how everything is going and to see about the possibility of starting to lower my anti depressant dosage. I don't want to rush it, but I do want to be drug free again.

I also got my grocery shopping done, so hopefully I will be able to stick to the plan this week. I am just about to put the plan on my fridge so that I can see it all the time.

Week 2 in Review... and my Week 1 weigh in

I have been meaning to write this post all week, and maybe if I had the week would have gone better...

Overall it wasn't a bad week, but due to the heat and having a five year old underfoot all week, it really didn't go as planned and I'm pretty sure I will have gained weight this week.

I think it really started after my weigh in last week.  The problem is, my scales are much kinder and I was a little disappointed that my weigh in wasn't as good, especially for a first week weigh in.  In saying that I lost 1.1kg so it's nothing to sneer at, but because I was expecting a 2kg loss, I was disappointed.

I think because of this disappointment I became quite lax in my eating habits, but also in my mindset.  I didn't print out my plan or watch my Curves videos.  Looking back I think having my weekly plan on the fridge makes a big difference as it is a constant reminder.

Foodwise, there was chocolate... not blocks, but there was chocolate... and I found that as soon as I had some, I wanted more each day. Because we were in over 40 degree heat, all I wanted was quick and easy food... which meant we had pizza a couple of times this week too... which definitely didn't help.  Plus there was a date night last night (bowling) where we had hot dogs and chips, so over all I think this week can be counted as a bit of a fail.

I also missed a work out due to a weird work schedule, so I only got 2 in this week.

I think I will keep my meal plan this week as close to last weeks as possible, just for ease as well as using up some of the ingredients we didn't use this week.

I have my weigh in at 10am this morning and then a work out, so we'll see how that goes.  I think as soon as I get home this morning I will need to write a blog post just to try and get my head right. And I will have to make sure I watch the videos too.

Sunday 12 January 2014

Week 1 Wrap Up

I can't believe it's Sunday already! My first week is done!

Already I feel better in so many ways! My head feels clearer and I am feeling better within myself; happier and less anxious. I don't know if it's because I have been eating better and exercising or simply because I am just doing something about it all.

Food-wise I have been pretty spot on. I have been tempted by "yummier" foods, but I managed to stay strong. I don't want to get into a routine of denial with foods, but I would like to at least be able to work my self control a little more first.

Curves wanted 4 workouts, but I have made a decision to skip my Saturday workouts for the time being and I'm ok with that. I did really well in my workouts and pushed myself so that was really good.

Tomorrow I have my first weigh in with Curves... I have to admit I had a sneaky weigh in yesterday, and if that remains similar then I will be very happy!

What I do need to work on is getting my water intake in and making my lunches when I am working, so that I don't always buy my lunch and I don't skip my lunch and get to have it pretty much on time.

I got a tip off the forum the other day for meal planning (which seems really obvious now), where I have the same snacks each day and meals or meals that use similar ingredients so that I don't have too much wastage. Dinners are fine as there are 3 people eating those, but for lunches, breakfasts and snacks this would work really well. I have to make a few more tweaks to my plan for next week, but we will see how that goes!

Overall, this week has been a big WIN!!

Thursday 9 January 2014

Halfway through the first week

It's been a few days since I have updated, mostly because I didn't want to come on here and repeat myself or tell you all about the food I have been eating.

So, I am now halfway through my first week, and I have been doing really well!! I am really happy with how I have gone.  The first 2 days were hard with wanting chocolate, but now I am doing much better. Yes, I still kinda want it, but not to the same extent.  I am hoping in another week or so I will get to the point where I can take it or leave it.

Eating-wise I have stuck to my plan with the exception of coffee... I know I should count it, but right now I just don't want to restrict myself too much. As long as I am not going overboard, at the moment I am happy to keep those in. Might not necessarily be the "right" attitude, but I'm thinking less pressure and less stress. I thought I would really struggle with eating less, but it hasn't really been an issue. I seem to want to eat more at night (which is normal for me), so have been keeping a snack aside for that.  The only big issue I need to work around is figuring out lunches on days where I am working. I don't want to keep buying lunches, so I need to get into a routine of making my lunch the night before or something.  It's the problem with working the lunch cover.

I have been to the gym twice this week; Monday and today. I will go again tomorrow and I am supposed to go on Saturday as well... I am not sure how that will go though. When I signed up for Curves Complete I found out that they would like 4 workouts, not 3 as I had planned and expected. Now I am not quite sure where to fit in the extra workout. But I am hoping that over the next couple of weeks I will be able to figure the 4th workout into a regular spot, even if I have to wait until Nessa is back at school.

I am also supposed to be making sure I get my steps up each day. Overall I need to aim for 10,000 steps, but initially they recommend aiming for 5000 steps a day. I have had a Fitbit Flex since August last year and I have worn it everyday since then (even have a tanline going on from it!). This is what I am using to track my steps.  So far I am averaging around the 6000 mark, so not too bad really. I know that I need to do a little more to get to the 10000, but at the moment I am just keeping it simple, especially as it is only my first week! My plan with this is actually to keep everything exactly as it is until Nessa goes back to school, as we will be walking to school then, and I should be able to easily hit my goals then.

Tonight I also started looking at next weeks meal plan.  The food is increasing, as has the options, so I am just getting started again. I am trying to find things that will suit everyone in the family, that might only need to be tweaked slightly (for example, I am the only one who likes green beans, so I would make those just for me and I hate broccoli and cauliflower but B and Nessa like those.) I have already had a couple of meals that I really enjoy, so will be making those again and I have found a love of peanut butter on toast!! I actually never really liked it before, but right now it is just amazing!!

Monday 6 January 2014

And... GO!

So today was Day 1 of Curves Complete and overall it was a success!! YAY!

I have to admit, this morning I wasn't so keen... it's all well and good being excited about it all until it actually comes to doing it.  Luckily I had told Nessa we were going to the gym today, funnily enough, that's what kept me accountable!  I woke up tired and just really couldn't be arsed with it all. But I made the decision to just get on with it.

I have tried to not over think it, as that tends to be my downfall.  I just became a bit of a robot and followed my meal plan on the fridge. Overall I haven't been hungry, but I haven't felt full either.  I was feeling a little peckish tonight, so I had a decaf coffee to tide me over until morning.  Not technically food, and it is still calories, but I am not giving up coffee for anything!

Nessa was really well behaved at the gym, the downside was the music there was so loud she couldn't hear anything in her headphones for what she brought along, however she sat there and waited. I did show her on the clock at what time I would be finished, so that was really good for her to see. Afterwards she had a small play on the playground, where I sadly got burnt... not happy!! It would have only been about 10 minutes, but my shoulders are all red!!

Today I have really struggled with no chocolate.  Today is also the first day I have completely gone without, so it's to be expected that I would struggle with it. It was especially hard seeing the box of Roses B and I got as a gift for Christmas and watching Nessa eat a chocolate crackle, but I have held strong, and ignored the thoughts of "you can just have one".

My food for today was pretty well balanced. I'm not usually a sharer of everything I have eaten, but this was my day today:

Breakfast: Cheesy eggs and an orange
Snack 1: Cashews
Lunch: Ham, cheese, salad and mustard wrap
Snack 2: Grapes and cheese
Dinner: Chicken fried rice

With dinner, I do need to share it with you, because it was amazing!! We have the Tefal Actifry and admittedly we bought it to make healthy meals in, but it has mostly been used for dim sims, chips and spring rolls.  A while ago I came across this video and wanted to try it out, which is one of the reasons why I chose the Chicken Fried Rice recipe through Curves. I modified both recipes to come up with my own, but basically it was chicken, brown rice and carrot, shallots and snow peas from our garden as well as some garlic and an egg. It was so good!! We will definitely have it again!!

Sunday 5 January 2014

Get Set...

After getting all of the planning done, I hit the supermarket yesterday and got my groceries done.  It took me a little while to find everything on my list, as our store doesn't seem to be set up in any logical order and I am still getting used to the different set up since we moved.

I have come home with a heap of fresh foods, and there are a few new recipes I will be trying, so it will be interesting to see how I go with those. Our local store didn't have a couple of items in stock, so I picked those up today at a different supermarket.

Overall, it looks like I am ready to go for tomorrow!  I have my meal plan, the groceries are done and I am taking Nessa with me tot the gym tomorrow so that I can get a workout in. There is a playground out the front of the gym, so I've told her if she is good then we can have a play before we leave.

I am nervously excited about starting tomorrow! I hope it all just works out... I just need to remember to take it one step at a time and each day is a new day.

Friday 3 January 2014

Get Ready!

I got my meal plan all done for the coming week, adjusted for when I will have Nessa and for the nights I will be on my own.  I love that I have options for recipes, frozen meals, takeaway and then 'exchanges' where I can make my own stuff up.

Turns out the first week is more of a calorie reduction, to 1200 calories. Usually I don't go for anything like this, especially after the 12WBT fiasco, however it's only for one week and at this stage I am happy to give it a go. I am pretty much on my own next week, so I am hoping that will help ease my way into it all.

I am really looking forward to it all, especially now that my fears about the food have been put to rest. I am so relieved that I have been able to pic everything that I like to eat and it's not restrictive.

Now I just need to do some grocery shopping...

Thursday 2 January 2014

Getting the Ball Rolling

So, today my Curves opened up again after the break, so after work this evening, I drove to the gym and sat down with the owner, Chris.

Chris is quite lovely, she is no nonsense, and tells it as it is, but is also caring.  I talked to her about my anxiety issues and my lifestyle and after walking through the options, I have signed up for  Curves Complete.



The Curves Complete program is basically all of that sensible stuff.  Eat right, exercise and get support.  Each week I will see my 'coach' (I have asked for Mondays as it's my day off and as I will already be there, I will fit a workout in too) and we will talk about what has been going on and how I have been doing.  Apparently she will also help me set some goals, which is pretty cool.

The program starts on Monday, so I have been watching some videos online that go with the program. I'm pretty tired tonight, so tomorrow I will go through the meal plan and adjust it to fit us here, then I will be able to get the groceries done and I'll be all set for Monday.

Overall, I am looking forward to exercising again... not for the actual exercise, but because I love the environment at my local Curves and also because I feel so much more clear-headed.

I also had a weigh and measure today... I am tempted to bare all and put all of my figures out there... who knows, it might be motivating!!

Anyway, that's my little update... the only other bit I will add is a WIN: since my initial post, I haven't bought any chocolate and while I have eaten chocolate... it hasn't been an entire block! YAY!